Dispatches from Bang on a Can: What Now?

Full disclosure: I am no longer actually at Bang on a Can Summer Festival at MASS MoCA. I returned to Smalltimore on Sunday after an exhilarating three weeks in North Adams, Massachusetts. Therefore, these wrap-up posts are more like Dispatches “About” Bang on a Can rather than Dispatches “From” Bang on a Can.’

I live my life in growing orbits
By Rainer Maria Rilke

I live my life in growing orbits
which move out over the things of the world.
Perhaps I can never achieve the last,
but that will be my attempt.

I am circling around God, around the ancient tower,
and I have been circling for a thousand years,
and I still don’t know if I am a falcon, or a storm,
or a great song.

Only a singer that loves text as much as I do would use an ambiguous Rilke poem as a motto or mission statement, right? Well, there it is nonetheless. As this is my last Dispatch from Bang on a Can, I am slowly coming back to my daily life and wondering, “what now?” What follows after such a challenging and rewarding experience? Although everyone has good intentions, they still ask the most stressful question in the book, “So, what’s next for you?”

When asked, my adrenaline picks up and my mind searches for something that sounds thrilling. So exciting that it seems like I have it all figured out. So stunning that it seems like during those three weeks I wasn’t just reveling in the fact that I got to do what I really wanted to be doing. So glamorous that it seems like I was brainstorming and planning a calendar full of high-paying new music jobs as soon as I arrived home.

Before I let my pulse get carried away on a wave of nervous energy, I stop and realize that this is just one of the many growing orbits of my career. Bang on a Can was just a catalyst for me. The spark that convinces me to double-down on the things I really love in life. It was so clear that I was surrounded by “my people” during my time there. All a tribe needs to form is as shared interest and a way to communicate and the beautiful thing about new music is that we have those capabilities in spades. It isn’t just our localized musical communication but the greater social fabric we create around new music that strengthens the community.

I am increasingly thankful for the Fellows that I met while at BoaC for the motivation they have given me to be a better musician (perhaps even a singer that CAN count.) It is nice to know that it is a small world after all. So small that I will most likely have a chance to work with many of them again in the near future. I am also extremely grateful for the faculty and staff. They are a testament to the openness of the new music community. They bring you into the fold and encourage you, without patronizing, the whole way. Bang on a Can and MASS MoCA are stewards of a space where small, everyday wishes of young musicians are allowed to occur.

At times it seems almost cruel to know that the microcosm of Bang on a Can is possible – that it is out in the world and I can’t do it every single day.

but that will be my attempt…